Today will be a short post. Reflecting on the year that has just passed and all that I had experienced, all I can say is aptly captured in QS Ghafir 40:44 (indeed, Allah is the Best of planners walhamdulilLah!):
This book mentions that satisfying close relationships require, from both parties, the ability to establish and sustain intimacy, empathy, openness, and mutual as well as responsive communication. A narcissist simply cannot provide these relationship essentials (a relationship with a narcissistic is, in essence, being a relationship with someone who will never listen to you or hear you).
Based on the real terrain of pathological narcissism, the book provides a realistic roadmap of how to navigate this landscape and reclaim your true self, find healing and live an authentic and empowered life, whether you stay or go. It provides you the tools (what to watch for) and guidance on managing difficult situations.
Intrigued, I also saw her 4 "DEEP" Rules to protect the self from toxic behaviour - very empowering:
(1) Don't Defend (when somebody is saying something you do not do, do not defend it; there is no point because if you do, you start "going down the rabbit's hole", throwing yourself into a bizarre or surreal troubling state)
(2) Don't Engage (pull back and recognize that you will be "walking on egg shells" or be in a precarious situation, extremely cautious with your words or actions and no matter how you say it, you get it wrong),
(3) Don't Explain (self-explanatory when you consider the above 2 points), and
(4) Don't Personalize (it is not you but the other party, so stop saying, "It has got to be me" when it is really not; if anything, you are so emphatic, that you are easy to be taken advantage of because the other party knows you are going to keep coming back to them).
The author, Dr Ramani Durvasula, is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, California. She is also a professor of psychology at California State University in Los Angeles.
What I took away from these, in essence, is to have the courage to walk away from those who continue to hurt you and walk alone until you find the ones who deserve you (if you are brave enough to say "goodbye", life with reward you with a new "hello"). I'll end my post with a wonderful melody by the late George Michael.
This is another hit song from Sarah. It is about someone realizing his/her mistakes. While no specifics mentioned (for obvious reasons because songs are meant to universally be relatable to all circumstances), she spoke about recognizing the mistakes, empowering the self to admit them, recognizing what was lost (as a consequence), and not letting people bring you down any further by continually reinforcing what you have done wrong (that you have learnt from life lessons).
You can only move forward upon admission; otherwise you are stuck because you did not own the mistake (error of judgment) and provide closure for it. And not to be too caught up with how the other party respond (or the lack of it!). In essence, it is taking care of yourself (self love) before others. You need that to remain sane and not be held hostage by others that could result in resentment! Let go when it is time to (after all efforts were lost on deaf ears). I'll end my post with extracts of the song's lyrics.
"Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire. Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight. In the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal. It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I've held so dear."
A single moment of misunderstanding, left unmanaged, will make us forget (in a split second) the countless meaningful years spent together. And I thought you knew me better than that? Regardless, when things are at odds, be still my heart, be steeled...
